Writing

Pink Carnations

Not a single call, note or text
Just a missing set of keys
Gone at a quarter past 12
When you thought I wouldn’t see

It became a frequent occurrence
For you to disappear,
Vanish without a goodbye
Into the cold night air

Where would you go,
To the shop, or the pub? And then
I realised you were cheating, darling
You just couldn’t cover it up

Around 5 you’d come back
Believing I was asleep
Slinking under the covers
Before the alarm started to beep

It was driving me insane
The daily distance in your eyes
Love gone, and purely absent
Replaced with tired, empty sighs

You thought you were clever
But I found out her name
If only you were smarter
Honey, you’re not, what a shame

Now the wondering is gone
And I can sleep without pretending
I feel relief now, my love
The constant stress finally ending

It’s much better now that
I always know your location
Since I buried you next to her
Right underneath our pink carnations

From: Creative Writing

Writing

New Story: A Change of City

New bit of flash fiction added to the site today! Inspired by my favourite band’s song A Change of Heart, it’s a small piece about being in the very moment of a break-up.

I could see the desperation in her eyes but her lips remained sealed. Her expression revealed everything, but she would never admit it. She would never admit when she was hurt, when I was hurting her.

Minutes dragged by as I watched her hold in tears. “Is there someone else?” Her sweet anger made me smile internally, and I was careful not to show it on my face.

“There is always someone else,” I explained, unsure how….[read more]

Misc.

7 Years!

It’s 7 years since I registered with WordPress and started this whole journey. I can’t even think what I was up to 7 years ago, when I was a stupid little 17 year old.

I will have been at sixth form, studying Media, English etc at my school and I was probably with my first boyfriend at the time…gross.

According to Timehop, I tweeted “I feel like shit…oh..what’s new?” because I was so cryptic and borderline emo back then. I remember having the most ridiculous bob haircut which absolutely did not suit me no matter what my mum kept telling me so it’s no wonder I was feeling like shit. I used to wear nothing but plaid shirts and jeans, with knock-off Converse.

Okay, stop, stop, I don’t think I can talk about the embarrassing pre-18 year old that I was when I used to proclaim that I would never drink alcohol – hilarious – or that I would be with that boyfriend for the rest of my life – let’s not go there please.

I can’t wait to see where I am when my WordPress anniversary comes around next year. 2016 has been a barrel of utter shite, and hopefully 2017 will be a delightful improvement.

University, Writing

Just Do It

Hello!

Well, look who it is. Yes, it’s me. The one who calls herself a blogger and never writes a blog post! Hilarious.

I’ve been doing my Masters degree at the University of Leeds for about 6 weeks now, and yesterday I submitted my first assignment. Scary stuff, right. I haven’t submitted an essay for critical marking and judgement for well over two years and getting back the results will prove whether my brain is actually good enough to be on this course.

Yesterday was a good day in that we had a guest lecturer in the form of a well-established writer come in to speak to us. I walked out of that session feeling totally inspired, and that’s why I have come back to the blog. I have a lot to say, but my biggest problem is actually sitting down to say it. It’s a bad habit of mine to just dream up millions of ideas and never get them down, so that they might drift off into the ether, never to return.

A main point that I took away from that session was that you just have to do it. An idea comes into your head, write it. You want to share some work, post it online. You just have to get on and do it. That’s something that I’ve struggled with, especially lately because I’ve been so distracted. Now though, it’s the time to get my arse in gear because my writing career isn’t going to happen by itself. Keep your eyes peeled for a more active blog. She says.

 

Education, Life Experience, University

Brains, Not Boys

When I graduated in 2014, I knew I wasn’t finished with learning. I always enjoyed schoolwork, and even when I didn’t I threw my all into it regardless. But to complete a Masters degree, like I wanted, I would have to fork out thousands of pounds that I just didn’t have.

And then came the wonderful news that a Postgraduate loan was going to be introduced, kindly provided by Student Finance England, that would add to any undergraduate loans already waiting to be paid off.

I almost didn’t apply for this year because I felt too busy and “there is always next year”. But we all know that tomorrow never comes. Luck would have it that I suddenly became single and was thrown into a pit of unknown. The only way out, I saw it, was to focus only on myself, to better myself and to achieve more.

I’m (hopefully if they love me) going to study at the University of Leeds, on a writing course because…well, as I’ve said many a time on this blog, I want to be a writer. Desperately, truly, it’s all I can think of to do.

If I get in, I’ll be the happiest girl in the world. I’m glad I have transformed into someone whose life is completed by education, rather than by a man*.

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*However, applications are still open, apply within.

 

Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 6

I have found beauty in time and feel like I have more, now that I’m not spending every possible second with you, craving your attention, dying for you to want to be with me. I was always ready for you, always available and because of that I wasted my moments.

Mindlessly wasting away in front of two television screens was not my idea of a happy ending, and I am glad that is over. I am glad I am free. I can do what I please, when I want to do it and it makes me really happy to think I don’t have to care about you anymore. I am caring only about me.

Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 5

It’s sad really, that you needed to leave.

It’s sad that your heart wasn’t strong enough to stay, that you didn’t have the willpower to fix things, or to open up space in your heart to fit me.

It’s sad that you have felt this for a long time, that you pretended all was well.

It’s sad that you have led a lie for the last few months.

It’s sad that you were not brave enough to face your feelings when you first saw them. It’s sad that you waited for the ‘perfect moment’, as though I was just a pawn in your game.

It’s sad that you think in logistics, not emotions.

It’s sad that you don’t hurt, when you have caused pain to the person you have claimed you care about the most.

It’s sad that your reasons were ‘in my best interests’ and it’s sad that you don’t realise how much better you have made my life since you left.

 

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 4

I was really shocked when you left. Devastated, in fact. I cried for hours. I was sick and unwell.

My heart bled and my chest had caved in. I have a hole in my heart, where you used to be. But I have been patching the edges of the hole back together, and now there is no room for you anymore.

My heart is for me and the people around me; my family and my friends have my heart. Your piece is grey and dry and crumbles beneath your touch.

You are not really anything to me now, other than a back hole that I have almost finished fixing.

 

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 3

We had hit a routine.

We did the same thing every day for the last year, I think.

You are not adventurous, but I am. I long to see new things, to learn more about the world, but you find it comforting to know that in this day and age you have no need to go outside.

You don’t care for the world like I do and that is why I am so glad you left and gave me back my life and

My dreams.

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 2

It takes a long time to heal, a long time to get over something so heartbreaking, something so carelessly painful. It takes a long time to realise you don’t love them anymore, or need them.

I will grieve for as long as it takes, but know that I am on the road to recovery.

I am not weak, I am just fallen, but I will soon stand tall again.

 

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