Life Experience, Misc.

Feeling Pants is Normal

I’ve been reasonably quiet recently and that’s not because I’m having a whale of a time being awesome and adventurous; I’m currently in the middle of working through a 6 day week.

I’ve never experienced exhaustion like this before. It’s strange because I feel like I shouldn’t be tired. The most hours that I work a day are 6 and work is only a fifteen minute walk away (unlike when I worked at school and travelled 40 minutes each way),  yet I’m really, really struggling to function and stay alert. I’ve put it down to the fact that I’m not necessarily in a job that I want. It’s hard working towards goals that you don’t want, that you never saw yourself doing. It’s always difficult after graduating from university – you’re filled with so much ambition and think that with a degree everything is going to fall into place and your ideal career is just waiting for you. It isn’t. It works out for some people, but for most, like me, it hasn’t so far. That could be why I feel so pants lately. Who knows.

What I need is to chug a Starbucks (conveniently next door) and push on. Something good better happen soon before I give up!

Peace out.

Entertainment, Life Experience

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

Last night I couldn’t sleep, which is something that I really despise and can’t deal with very well. Luckily, I’m usually good with just blacking out at bedtime and waking up refreshed but something was plaguing me at 2am. I’m not 100% sure what, but I can hazard a pretty good guess that it was finance related. I’m waiting to hear back from the bank about an overdraft and to be honest, it’s draining me. Because of the bank holiday yesterday – convenient – I’ve had to wait an extra day to find out and ultimately, it means the difference between being able to pay rent or forfeiting money for driving lessons, which is what I really want.

So there I was, now 2:01 (gets me thinking about Taylor Swift and all the times she mentions being wide awake at this time) still thinking about money but now also thinking about my musical idol. I tried to relax, so hard, but clearly that was the wrong way to go about it. I scanned Facebook again, which I think was a bad idea and seemed to make everything 10x worse – my eyes now bulging thanks to the light of my phone. I went to the loo, opened the window, tried to find the most comfortable and cosy position but nothing, absolutely nothing was working and I was starting to piss myself off, which again was also a bad idea. If this is similar to what it’s like being an insomniac then no-thank-you, and oh my gosh if you are how do you even deal? 

I was now mad, in bed, but suddenly, I was instantly transported to July 2013, a time in my life when I used to lay awake at night, stressing and alone, unhappy and disheartened. This, I seem to remember wasn’t a great moment in my life (I’ll spare you the details) and I recall vividly how I felt lying mindlessly awake in the middle of the night. It wasn’t nice. This vision led me to think about a writing project that I’m working on and I thought, My head is really chock full at the moment, let’s release some of that tension. Light on, out of bed, I clambered for the nearest notebook (plenty lying around my bedroom as the years have gone on) and pen and started scribbling. It was interestingly a huge relief, I didn’t expect it to work instantly but I knew it had been the right thing to do. Even though I wasn’t writing about my money worries, it took my mind off it for a while and I was able to concentrate on something that’s actually important to me. It was around fifteen minutes before the familiar drying of my eyes happened and I was having to blink heavier. I wrapped it up, put it aside, turned off the lamp and fell fast asleep, just like that.

This morning, however, I’ve woken up at half 7, giving me a roundabout total of five hours’ sleep… Cool. If the bank gives me the answer I want, it should all be worth it…fingers crossed.


Life Experience

Unhappy Bunny

It’s not been the best of days so far, I won’t lie. I’m cold, tired and done. As part of my job I go with a student to another school and we rely on taxis for the journeys there and back and for the last couple of days they’ve all been late. Today I found myself standing in the sleet and the wind waiting, late for our film club back at the original school. I’m late to that and I’m starving because situations made it impossible to have lunch. My nail polish has chipped and I still haven’t got warm despite the radiators being in full blast in this classroom. Cold to the bones. And this all before I look forward to an hour’s drive and subsequent half hour walk home. But do you know what’s okay? My food shopping arrived today and we have more than double the amount of kids at Film club tonight. Even though some of them are laughing at their phones rather than watching Home Alone



Ouchy, Ouch, Ouch

Right, I don’t wanna have a moan here but I’m gonna anyway and I don’t expect everyone to feel sympathy for me (which they should) but here goes.

I am in pain. I have been for years now. Like, physical pain (and no this isn’t some sort of metaphorical revelation that I’m coming to after so long, I literally am hurting). It’s my foot. And it’s driving me absolutely crazy. When I walk, I virtually cry from the pain. When I sit down, it throbs and is unreal. Under the ball of my foot, there are two little bones knocking together (so the doc says, I don’t really know) and this is what’s doing it. Yes there are bigger problems out there and yes I have a wonderful life that’s fruitful and glorious and YES I know that people have it worse but it’s making me unhappy and is spoiling my days.

As I often say with posts, there is literally nothing to this other than the fact that I need to vent somewhere and I need to let the world know that I have a limp!