Life Experience, Uncategorized

Getting Back Up Again

I’ve been staring at this screen for a while. The last few weeks, I’ve loaded up WordPress with the intention of writing blog posts, but I always press the red cross. It’s not been worth it, writing. The truth of it is that for the last few months I have experienced the most horrific heartbreak I never thought possible for one human to feel. It meant that anything I wanted to write about was either depressingly miserable, or bitterly nasty. And what good would that do? That wouldn’t help anybody, especially myself and someone involved would likely call me out on it. I know that I’m not entitled to an opinion in this… oops.

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Sorry… ANYWAYS. I have taken now myself out of the situation. It was a very long time between the initial ‘incident’ and actually leaving the awful environment. It was actually only two months but it definitely felt like at least two years. If I had just one piece of advice for if  you are ever forced to live with your ex, it’s this: Don’t.

Just don’t do it. Get yourself out of that situation a.s.a.p. because it is bad for your mental and physical well being. (I have found actually that not many people are as unlucky as me to have to go through with this but it does happen.) I’ve felt like I’ve been going insane for the sad-girl-foot-in-water-black-and-whitelast few weeks, I’ve lost a lot of weight, had no appetite and have been sick and cried a lot. It has been horrendous. And the joke is, it could have been a lot, lot worse. But seeing your ex take up with you someone you live with really has to take the biscuit for things to break your heart. Painful doesn’t really cover it. Hurt doesn’t justify what I felt. Devastated does not even begin to describe the cavernous rip that tore through me…

But that’s not what this blog is about. This post is about the future and how things are starting to look up. I’ve started a Masters degree course at university, I’ve moved back in with my parents, I’m looking at starting driving lessons, I’m going to start swimming again, I’m making new friends, I’m meeting new people.

This blog is about however painful it is, and whatever heartbreak you’re going through whether that’s romantically or because of grief, work, trauma, anything, you will be okay. You are stronger than you think you are. Something I have come to realise is that you never know your true strength until that is all you have left. You might be collapsed on the floor, surrounded by tissues, your chest a gaping and bleeding raw wound. Your hair may be unwashed and you may not have eaten for 24 hours and you may be wearing the same pyjamas as you wore all day yesterday, but trust me when I say that things do get better. It will likely be one tiny step at a time, and the steps may be spread across weeks, but you will absolutely see an improvement in time. Nothing can hold you down so much that you can’t get back up again. Nothing.

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As for me, I’m nowhere near healed yet, and I don’t think I’ll be back to my old self for a long time, but now that I am away from that awful situation, the real work can begin. If you are suffering, all I can say is keep the faith, believe in yourself and go on Pinterest looking for inspirational quotes because you will realise than that you are not alone. Knowing that there are other people going through similar things is a weird kind of comfort when you’re hurting.

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You just have to believe in yourself.

Life Experience, Music

Golden – Ruth B

 

I can’t get enough of these lyrics right now, from the song ‘Golden’ by Ruth B. YouTube link at the bottom  ❤

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The fire used to burn, all the words used to hurt

But you’re not like us, you are different
I couldn’t see that that was a compliment
Cause the last thing I want now is to be you
And the flames don’t feel as hot as they used to

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze, I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking, damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden

You tried so hard to break me down
Like a fire-breathing dragon, but I guess I took your crown
You pushed for me to change for you
But I’m so glad that I stayed true to who I am

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking, damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am
All the things that you said I couldn’t do
Guess what, Yes I can

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am
All the things that you said I couldn’t do
Guess what, Yes I can

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden, golden, gold
I, I am golden, golden, golden

Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 6

I have found beauty in time and feel like I have more, now that I’m not spending every possible second with you, craving your attention, dying for you to want to be with me. I was always ready for you, always available and because of that I wasted my moments.

Mindlessly wasting away in front of two television screens was not my idea of a happy ending, and I am glad that is over. I am glad I am free. I can do what I please, when I want to do it and it makes me really happy to think I don’t have to care about you anymore. I am caring only about me.

Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 5

It’s sad really, that you needed to leave.

It’s sad that your heart wasn’t strong enough to stay, that you didn’t have the willpower to fix things, or to open up space in your heart to fit me.

It’s sad that you have felt this for a long time, that you pretended all was well.

It’s sad that you have led a lie for the last few months.

It’s sad that you were not brave enough to face your feelings when you first saw them. It’s sad that you waited for the ‘perfect moment’, as though I was just a pawn in your game.

It’s sad that you think in logistics, not emotions.

It’s sad that you don’t hurt, when you have caused pain to the person you have claimed you care about the most.

It’s sad that your reasons were ‘in my best interests’ and it’s sad that you don’t realise how much better you have made my life since you left.

 

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 4

I was really shocked when you left. Devastated, in fact. I cried for hours. I was sick and unwell.

My heart bled and my chest had caved in. I have a hole in my heart, where you used to be. But I have been patching the edges of the hole back together, and now there is no room for you anymore.

My heart is for me and the people around me; my family and my friends have my heart. Your piece is grey and dry and crumbles beneath your touch.

You are not really anything to me now, other than a back hole that I have almost finished fixing.

 

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 2

It takes a long time to heal, a long time to get over something so heartbreaking, something so carelessly painful. It takes a long time to realise you don’t love them anymore, or need them.

I will grieve for as long as it takes, but know that I am on the road to recovery.

I am not weak, I am just fallen, but I will soon stand tall again.

 

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 1

To think you were my life for more than two years and now you are not…

But I don’t feel…

I cried when you left and I did not stop for 48 hours

And then I realised
That I am strong.

I don’t need someone like you to justify me
I don’t need you.

I will miss you, your humour, your face, your warmth.

But I will not cry for you again.

Because I am strong.
And I don’t need you.

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Books, Entertainment, Review

Book Review: One Day

As I’ve said before, I have recently become an avid reader all over again and this time I discovered a book my David book-one-dayNicholls that I 100% fell in love with. One Day, you may have read it or seen the film (which I still need to watch) and you may, like me, have fallen in love with the story.

It’s about two people across twenty years and documents what happens to their relationship when they are on good terms, bad terms or no terms at all. They both go through death, new romances, shit jobs, good jobs, health problems, anything and everything that normal people experience. And it’s a rollercoaster. But for starters, when I first started reading it, I immediately felt like I could relate to the characters. The female lead, Emma, is a hard working-just graduated-student from Leeds. Check. She finally gets close to a boy she’s liked for a long time. Check. She likes art and wants something creative in life, maybe to be an author. Check. And I was thinking, okay, this is cool. They kept coming at me, more and more things that I could relate to as I read on and to be honest, it felt kind of weird. Emma is throwing a production of Oliver! when not three weeks ago my sister was in one. They go on a holiday to Greece and I’ve very recently been looking at a lot of Greek holidays. Okay, they’re getting a little weak but you get my drift. A story about two people embarking on the adventure of life after just popping out of university. That’s where I’m at now and it really interested me, to see how these characters’ lives played out and would mine turn into anything so great?

The writing is awesome. It really drew me in; I found myself wanting to know more and more about these two people who don’t even exist and also that I was laughing and crying along with them. Crazy. Considering how less than a year ago, I’d hardly even picked up a book for a decade. What I really loved though was how long the time span of the book was – twenty years is a fair amount of time to follow two people. Sharing in their experiences was wonderful and it was really nice to see some actual character development for once.

My reviews are never that deep; I don’t want to pick a book apart page by page as if I was back at school – what’s important is how I read it and whether I would read it again and the answer is a resounding yes. Now I just have to watch the film…

Life Experience, World

Love will be in the air ❤️

It’s Valentine’s Day soon, the day of lurve, romance, beauty and seductive attraction. Ooh, fancy. I’ve had one proper Valentine’s Day, last year with Sam and I loved it. Well, I loved everything about it other than the fact that we went out on the 14th, when millions of other lovebirds also come out for some romantic times. Except, it’s not romantic when you’re packed in, sandwiched between two other couples, trying to enjoy your Bella Italia meal and being careful not to catch fire in the candle which is dangerously positioned on a table not big enough for two grown people. It’s not exactly intimate, never mind romantic and it’s certainly not worth the money when they crank it up 10%.

So this year, our Valentine’s Day will be on the 18th of February, four whole days after the other couples (52% of whom met in Nandos last week) decided to have their romantic night. The plan is to go to a seafood restaurant called Loch Fyne, situated in the heart of York. I’ve trawled the menu, it’s not cheap by any means but it’s a special occasion so it’s appropriate enough. And why shouldn’t someone spoil themselves every so often? We totes deserve it.

A lot of people are bitter towards Valentine’s Day for various reasons, whether it’s because of a bad experience, aversion to cheesy love or just being single, but I really like it. I think it’s a wonderful day and it’s really nice that we have a day set aside for love. Love is one of the greatest things in the world, it literally makes it go round, it’s everywhere. In everyday life, films, books, culture, it affects people more than anything else, for good or for bad. I’M NOT INTENDING TO BE CHEESY BUT love really affects me. I love Sam, I love my family and I love my friends. All different kinds of love, but still love. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have all of this in my life and I don’t know what I would do without it or if I would be the same person that I am.

The imminent booking that we have at Loch Fyne restaurant is keeping me going, this term is coming to a difficult end and I really need to be treated. The only problem with Valentine’s Day for me is trying to find Sam a suitable present…most difficult task ever….

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Entertainment, Film, Review

Review: Warm Bodies

We saw this at the City Screen cinema in York yesterday with E4 Slackers Club tickets and it’s fair to say we weren’t disappointed. I’ve warm-bodies-poster-ew-brandedalways been scared of zombie films – I can barely tolerate Shaun of the Dead without freaking out – but I managed. As expected, it’s not full of blood, guts and gore because it’s not advertised as that. It’s, essentially, a zom-rom-com. It’s cute. Nicholas Hoult is adorable and one of the most good looking zombies I’ve had the pleasure of looking at. As well as being insanely cute, it’s also hilarious and there’s plenty of laugh out loud moments in it, a lot of them a result of R’s (Hoult) awkwardness with Julie (Teresa Palmer). This is what makes this zombie film a little more special than others; R isn’t like the others. Sure, he acts like what you’d expect from one at the beginning with the groaning, shuffling and people-eating but there’s something about his thought processes – given to us through a delightful and adorable self-narration – that makes him more human. 

It’s such a nice little love story because he clearly falls in love with her at first sight, then he tries to win her over after defeating the competition using a seemingly unorthodox method. But it’s not gooey and it isn’t annoying in the sense that there’s not a great deal of emotional turmoil and Julie isn’t deciding who she loves the most, not referring to any other fantasy love story in the slightest.

As a further point as to why you have to go see it; it’s got John Malkovich in it. Is there anything else that you require? Nope. It’s released in the UK on the 8th of February. Go see it. <Insert clever zombie-dead pun>

9/10