Life Experience, Uncategorized

Getting Back Up Again

I’ve been staring at this screen for a while. The last few weeks, I’ve loaded up WordPress with the intention of writing blog posts, but I always press the red cross. It’s not been worth it, writing. The truth of it is that for the last few months I have experienced the most horrific heartbreak I never thought possible for one human to feel. It meant that anything I wanted to write about was either depressingly miserable, or bitterly nasty. And what good would that do? That wouldn’t help anybody, especially myself and someone involved would likely call me out on it. I know that I’m not entitled to an opinion in this… oops.

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Sorry… ANYWAYS. I have taken now myself out of the situation. It was a very long time between the initial ‘incident’ and actually leaving the awful environment. It was actually only two months but it definitely felt like at least two years. If I had just one piece of advice for if  you are ever forced to live with your ex, it’s this: Don’t.

Just don’t do it. Get yourself out of that situation a.s.a.p. because it is bad for your mental and physical well being. (I have found actually that not many people are as unlucky as me to have to go through with this but it does happen.) I’ve felt like I’ve been going insane for the sad-girl-foot-in-water-black-and-whitelast few weeks, I’ve lost a lot of weight, had no appetite and have been sick and cried a lot. It has been horrendous. And the joke is, it could have been a lot, lot worse. But seeing your ex take up with you someone you live with really has to take the biscuit for things to break your heart. Painful doesn’t really cover it. Hurt doesn’t justify what I felt. Devastated does not even begin to describe the cavernous rip that tore through me…

But that’s not what this blog is about. This post is about the future and how things are starting to look up. I’ve started a Masters degree course at university, I’ve moved back in with my parents, I’m looking at starting driving lessons, I’m going to start swimming again, I’m making new friends, I’m meeting new people.

This blog is about however painful it is, and whatever heartbreak you’re going through whether that’s romantically or because of grief, work, trauma, anything, you will be okay. You are stronger than you think you are. Something I have come to realise is that you never know your true strength until that is all you have left. You might be collapsed on the floor, surrounded by tissues, your chest a gaping and bleeding raw wound. Your hair may be unwashed and you may not have eaten for 24 hours and you may be wearing the same pyjamas as you wore all day yesterday, but trust me when I say that things do get better. It will likely be one tiny step at a time, and the steps may be spread across weeks, but you will absolutely see an improvement in time. Nothing can hold you down so much that you can’t get back up again. Nothing.

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As for me, I’m nowhere near healed yet, and I don’t think I’ll be back to my old self for a long time, but now that I am away from that awful situation, the real work can begin. If you are suffering, all I can say is keep the faith, believe in yourself and go on Pinterest looking for inspirational quotes because you will realise than that you are not alone. Knowing that there are other people going through similar things is a weird kind of comfort when you’re hurting.

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You just have to believe in yourself.

Life Experience

Two Choices

It’s no secret that life throws plenty of opportunities at you to be sad, miserable and down. ‘Oh woe is me, why is the world against me, what did I ever do to deserve this?’ The truth is, you probably did nothing to deserve the hardship and the pitfalls that are dealt to you and at times it can feel like it’s just you against the world.

When something goes wrong you have two options, just two. You can turn away from everything that has happened and hide, you can pretend amongst the tears and the panic attacks that everything is actually okay and that if you protect yourself with cotton wool, you will be fine. You can run away from the trauma, guard yourself and build high walls to make sure you won’t get hurt again.

Or you can confront the pain head-on. You can stare it in its beady black eye and understand it, why it’s come for you specifically. It might not reveal any of its reasons or let you in on its secrets, but by facing it you can be damned sure that you can push past it and move forward.

It’s easy to hide and it’s easy to shut down, to close yourself off from the world around you. It’s most definitely a surefire way of protecting yourself, we all know that. But ultimately, it’s also the death of you. You can’t grow as an individual without taking on challenges willingly or otherwise, and you will never learn more about who you are by turning your back and running away.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be sad and upset, because when you bottle your real emotions – men and women – it makes everything 100x worse. But there should always come a natural point where you decide what to do next, and that’s the crucial moment. Do you blanket yourself and try to smooth over the cracks that have appeared? Or do you stand up with your head high, borrow some glue from someone who supports you and take a leap of faith?

Well I took the glue, and I would choose to take a leap of faith every time. You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, nobody does, and it’s really scary to throw yourself into the unknown alone like that. But me, I wouldn’t do it any differently. I didn’t hide and here I am, Brittany v2.0, and I will continue to not hide every time a difficult challenge comes along. I want to confront life and take control of what happens to me and of how I feel, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do from now on.

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Life Experience

Acupuncture Me

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You may remember from a while back (and I do mean a while) that I was diagnosed with sesamoiditis which is the posh word for stupid annoying painful foot. After two whole steroid injections and the threat of developing arthritis if I had another one, I looked to other cures.

And the short answer is: there are none. This little bone in my foot is going to be cracked forever and the only thing to stop it will be to literally take it away from me. Now this, I Mr-Spock-mr-spock-10874060-1036-730have been warned, is a procedure done a maximum of once a year and there is the impending danger of it turning into what doctors lovingly call a Spock foot, ergo not an option.

So I started looking into preventative measures to try to manage the pain, rather than looking to get rid of it altogether. It was then that I found acupuncture, something I had never even thought of as a remedy (I had always seen it as a luxury treatment, like a massage). Turns out, acupuncture can do a lot for the human body *cue groan from scientists* and can actually help a lot of conditions.

I’ve been going to sessions for a good few weeks now, probably going on for 20, and there has been the most dramatic improvement to the pain in my foot and how I walk. I’m no longer limping, which is fantastic until your right foot realises it has to share the load and then starts having a paddy. But that’s neither here nor there because my left foot is really, really fine. Who knew?!  It’s felt like a magical experience and I can’t quite believe that the stupid bone in my foot is now being calmed down, thanks to crazy thin needles.

I’ve had a few people tell me that it’s hocus pocus and it’s all bullshit, but hey, I’m not limping anymore so… 1-0 to acupuncture.

I’m still going to sessions, because it would be crazy to stop and botch up the wonderful work that Rachel (hi!) has been doing for me. And even though it hurts when the needles go in the bottom of my foot, I still enjoy going because it allows me 20 minutes out of the week to just relax and to just be. It’s incredible what such a short amount of time can do for your well-being.

If you have a condition of sorts, whether it’s anxiety, headaches, rough periods or anything, I would say seriously look into acupuncture as a treatment because you might find it’s entirely worth it.

Also, hi Tom 🙂
Life Experience

Blown up like a balloon

IMG_0795Now, because everyone is so desperately interested in my left sesamoid-plagued foot, I think it’s about time to update you on its latest antics.

On Tuesday evening I visited the hospital to have a chat with a surgeon about how to progress further with the pain. By this point, I’d pretty much decided that I would have it cut out, just to end all pain and I was ready to meet the surgeon. After a 45 minute wait, I was seen and informed that surgery isn’t necessarily the right way to go. Feeling a little disheartened and lost, I didn’t know what else I could do. Would I have to live with this forever? I didn’t think that was possible. He showed me the scan of my foot and said that rather than the sesamoid being irregular, it’s actually got a sweet little crack down the middle. Convenient. Now what.

He said the best treatment is to have a steroid injection. Whether it will work or not is another matter, but he treats lots of people in this way compared to giving one person a year the surgery (which he said is actually quite a risky procedure). I said sure, I’m game, shall I go book an appointment? but he said no I an do it now. The blood absolutely drained from my cheeks and my dad cracked out laughing at my horrified expression. I didn’t know if I was ready but I’ve waited so long for a moment like this that it would be stupid to turn it down. So I hopped up on the couch and allowed him to stab by foot with some milky white steroids from a large pointy needle.

I think I can safely categorise it as the weirdest feeling I’ve ever experienced. It felt like my foot was being blown up like a thick leather balloon and I very quickly became hot and faint. After a brief lie down I was up and about again, happy as Larry. As the evening drew on however, after we’d left the hospital and I’d arranged another appointment, the feeling in my foot was starting to get worse. It felt like it always has for years but 10x worse and it was hot and stinging. My foot was swollen and had a hint of a purple hue to it and gradually I was unable to walk anywhere. Highly inconvenient considering I was moving house on this day and was therefore completely useless.

I wasn’t worried about the pain in my foot. I’m convinced that it was down to the fact that my foot was freaking out about being jabbed and having steroids pumped into it, but gradually it seems to be warming to the idea. Today (three days later) I’m limping but there is a less purple tone to my skin and it’s not as big as my head anymore, which is a plus. If it’s going the way it is, tomorrow I should be virtually pain free and then we just have to see if this whole experience has actually benefitted me… Time will tell.

Life Experience

Sesamoidectomy is a big word…

I think I spelt it right…

My body feels like it’s gradually falling apart recently. Yesterday I went to the hospital again and saw the foot doctor after having x-rays and MRI scans and found out that I can either live with this horrendous foot pain forever or get the little bugger of a sesamoid bone taken out. That scares me. I’ve never had surgery and the idea that it could become a very real experience is quite daunting. I know, it’s only a small thing and there are those out there going through much worse but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frightened of what’s looming. For the moment, I just have to make the time to make the decision on what to go with. Not an easy decision but something I know I can rely on my family, friends and Sam to help with.

Life Experience

Irregular

I got an update on my foot yesterday. The doctor rang me, said that they’d looked at the x-rays and that they’d found something peculiar. The two little bones that contribute to sesamoiditis which they believe is the cause of the pain are there and everything, but one is ‘irregularly shaped’. Pause. My reply was, ‘cool’. Now what?

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She said they’re going to book me in for a scan – great – and they’re going to look into it further. So, after being told that the tightness of my hamstrings is the reason why my foot’s all painful, it’s now because I have a funky shaped bone chilling in the bottom of my foot. Ooh goody.

I mean, yeah, that’s probz what it is to be honest and great if they’ve found the cause of it, even though they don’t understand why because I’ve never experienced a foot injury (that I’m aware of to be fair), but it’s kinda scary. I know, I know, having a sore foot isn’t the end of the world and people go to hospital for much more serious reasons, don’tcha know (I think I’ve made this point before…) but it’s actually hurting me, it’s not nice, like, at all.

On a positive note, my plan for the weekend is to go shopping and buy some mega comfy (black) trainers to wear at work instead of heavy stiff boots so I can be less of a limp and hinderance to general school life. Also gonna buy a sassy leather jacket, which will obviously help the recovery of my foot…obviously.

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Ouchy, Ouch, Ouch

Right, I don’t wanna have a moan here but I’m gonna anyway and I don’t expect everyone to feel sympathy for me (which they should) but here goes.

I am in pain. I have been for years now. Like, physical pain (and no this isn’t some sort of metaphorical revelation that I’m coming to after so long, I literally am hurting). It’s my foot. And it’s driving me absolutely crazy. When I walk, I virtually cry from the pain. When I sit down, it throbs and is unreal. Under the ball of my foot, there are two little bones knocking together (so the doc says, I don’t really know) and this is what’s doing it. Yes there are bigger problems out there and yes I have a wonderful life that’s fruitful and glorious and YES I know that people have it worse but it’s making me unhappy and is spoiling my days.

As I often say with posts, there is literally nothing to this other than the fact that I need to vent somewhere and I need to let the world know that I have a limp!

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