Life Experience, Uncategorized

Getting Back Up Again

I’ve been staring at this screen for a while. The last few weeks, I’ve loaded up WordPress with the intention of writing blog posts, but I always press the red cross. It’s not been worth it, writing. The truth of it is that for the last few months I have experienced the most horrific heartbreak I never thought possible for one human to feel. It meant that anything I wanted to write about was either depressingly miserable, or bitterly nasty. And what good would that do? That wouldn’t help anybody, especially myself and someone involved would likely call me out on it. I know that I’m not entitled to an opinion in this… oops.

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Sorry… ANYWAYS. I have taken now myself out of the situation. It was a very long time between the initial ‘incident’ and actually leaving the awful environment. It was actually only two months but it definitely felt like at least two years. If I had just one piece of advice for if  you are ever forced to live with your ex, it’s this: Don’t.

Just don’t do it. Get yourself out of that situation a.s.a.p. because it is bad for your mental and physical well being. (I have found actually that not many people are as unlucky as me to have to go through with this but it does happen.) I’ve felt like I’ve been going insane for the sad-girl-foot-in-water-black-and-whitelast few weeks, I’ve lost a lot of weight, had no appetite and have been sick and cried a lot. It has been horrendous. And the joke is, it could have been a lot, lot worse. But seeing your ex take up with you someone you live with really has to take the biscuit for things to break your heart. Painful doesn’t really cover it. Hurt doesn’t justify what I felt. Devastated does not even begin to describe the cavernous rip that tore through me…

But that’s not what this blog is about. This post is about the future and how things are starting to look up. I’ve started a Masters degree course at university, I’ve moved back in with my parents, I’m looking at starting driving lessons, I’m going to start swimming again, I’m making new friends, I’m meeting new people.

This blog is about however painful it is, and whatever heartbreak you’re going through whether that’s romantically or because of grief, work, trauma, anything, you will be okay. You are stronger than you think you are. Something I have come to realise is that you never know your true strength until that is all you have left. You might be collapsed on the floor, surrounded by tissues, your chest a gaping and bleeding raw wound. Your hair may be unwashed and you may not have eaten for 24 hours and you may be wearing the same pyjamas as you wore all day yesterday, but trust me when I say that things do get better. It will likely be one tiny step at a time, and the steps may be spread across weeks, but you will absolutely see an improvement in time. Nothing can hold you down so much that you can’t get back up again. Nothing.

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As for me, I’m nowhere near healed yet, and I don’t think I’ll be back to my old self for a long time, but now that I am away from that awful situation, the real work can begin. If you are suffering, all I can say is keep the faith, believe in yourself and go on Pinterest looking for inspirational quotes because you will realise than that you are not alone. Knowing that there are other people going through similar things is a weird kind of comfort when you’re hurting.

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You just have to believe in yourself.

Life Experience

Dive into the Eye of the Storm

A lot of what goes through a person when they experience pain or heartache is torture. We’ve all been there, we’ve all grieved for someone we love, we’ve all been hurt, it’s what makes us human.

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last few weeks, and I’ve had a lot of time to myself to consider what direction I’m going in, and where I’ve been. I’ve been stuck, really. But I think a large part of being hurt is experiencing time standing still and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. You need time to contemplate and to heal, there’s no other way of repairing the damage.

What I’m trying to say, and what I’ve figured out, is that you have to weather the storm. You have to go through the darkness to reach the light. You have to listen to the tear-jerking break up songs and you have to go through the emotional moments. You just have to, otherwise you don’t get fixed. A lot of the time it is up to you and you alone to pick yourself up and dust yourself down. You may have a loving and strong support network, but there is only so much that your mum can do for your over the phone. Your friends and family can listen to you and love you, but ultimately it is down to you to get better.

It’s hard, I’m not saying it isn’t and I’m not even at the end of my journey yet. But I know that the next few weeks, or whatever will just make me a better person. I know it’s going to hurt, but I’m not prepared to hide from everything and bubble-wrap myself. I’m going to walk right into the eye of the storm and I’m going to come out of the other side a better person.

I should really blog more often…

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Life Experience

Two Choices

It’s no secret that life throws plenty of opportunities at you to be sad, miserable and down. ‘Oh woe is me, why is the world against me, what did I ever do to deserve this?’ The truth is, you probably did nothing to deserve the hardship and the pitfalls that are dealt to you and at times it can feel like it’s just you against the world.

When something goes wrong you have two options, just two. You can turn away from everything that has happened and hide, you can pretend amongst the tears and the panic attacks that everything is actually okay and that if you protect yourself with cotton wool, you will be fine. You can run away from the trauma, guard yourself and build high walls to make sure you won’t get hurt again.

Or you can confront the pain head-on. You can stare it in its beady black eye and understand it, why it’s come for you specifically. It might not reveal any of its reasons or let you in on its secrets, but by facing it you can be damned sure that you can push past it and move forward.

It’s easy to hide and it’s easy to shut down, to close yourself off from the world around you. It’s most definitely a surefire way of protecting yourself, we all know that. But ultimately, it’s also the death of you. You can’t grow as an individual without taking on challenges willingly or otherwise, and you will never learn more about who you are by turning your back and running away.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be sad and upset, because when you bottle your real emotions – men and women – it makes everything 100x worse. But there should always come a natural point where you decide what to do next, and that’s the crucial moment. Do you blanket yourself and try to smooth over the cracks that have appeared? Or do you stand up with your head high, borrow some glue from someone who supports you and take a leap of faith?

Well I took the glue, and I would choose to take a leap of faith every time. You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, nobody does, and it’s really scary to throw yourself into the unknown alone like that. But me, I wouldn’t do it any differently. I didn’t hide and here I am, Brittany v2.0, and I will continue to not hide every time a difficult challenge comes along. I want to confront life and take control of what happens to me and of how I feel, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do from now on.

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Life Experience, Music

Golden – Ruth B

 

I can’t get enough of these lyrics right now, from the song ‘Golden’ by Ruth B. YouTube link at the bottom  ❤

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The fire used to burn, all the words used to hurt

But you’re not like us, you are different
I couldn’t see that that was a compliment
Cause the last thing I want now is to be you
And the flames don’t feel as hot as they used to

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze, I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking, damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden

You tried so hard to break me down
Like a fire-breathing dragon, but I guess I took your crown
You pushed for me to change for you
But I’m so glad that I stayed true to who I am

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking, damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am
All the things that you said I couldn’t do
Guess what, Yes I can

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am
All the things that you said I couldn’t do
Guess what, Yes I can

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden, golden, gold
I, I am golden, golden, golden

Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 5

It’s sad really, that you needed to leave.

It’s sad that your heart wasn’t strong enough to stay, that you didn’t have the willpower to fix things, or to open up space in your heart to fit me.

It’s sad that you have felt this for a long time, that you pretended all was well.

It’s sad that you have led a lie for the last few months.

It’s sad that you were not brave enough to face your feelings when you first saw them. It’s sad that you waited for the ‘perfect moment’, as though I was just a pawn in your game.

It’s sad that you think in logistics, not emotions.

It’s sad that you don’t hurt, when you have caused pain to the person you have claimed you care about the most.

It’s sad that your reasons were ‘in my best interests’ and it’s sad that you don’t realise how much better you have made my life since you left.

 

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 4

I was really shocked when you left. Devastated, in fact. I cried for hours. I was sick and unwell.

My heart bled and my chest had caved in. I have a hole in my heart, where you used to be. But I have been patching the edges of the hole back together, and now there is no room for you anymore.

My heart is for me and the people around me; my family and my friends have my heart. Your piece is grey and dry and crumbles beneath your touch.

You are not really anything to me now, other than a back hole that I have almost finished fixing.

 

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 3

We had hit a routine.

We did the same thing every day for the last year, I think.

You are not adventurous, but I am. I long to see new things, to learn more about the world, but you find it comforting to know that in this day and age you have no need to go outside.

You don’t care for the world like I do and that is why I am so glad you left and gave me back my life and

My dreams.

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Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 2

It takes a long time to heal, a long time to get over something so heartbreaking, something so carelessly painful. It takes a long time to realise you don’t love them anymore, or need them.

I will grieve for as long as it takes, but know that I am on the road to recovery.

I am not weak, I am just fallen, but I will soon stand tall again.

 

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