Film, Life Experience

One for the History Books…

Sunday 20th August is going down in history as one of the greatest days of my life, and I know this already because it will be the day that I finally pick up my very first, very own, not-very-new car!

I passed my test in mid-July after taking double lessons every week for 6 months and since then I’ve been driving my Dad’s car to and from my Nana’s, to the shops, to see friends and to pick up my sister from work – nothing too exciting unfortunately. BUT the point is that I am driving after being desperate to for years.

The independence you get from driving is incredible, there’s nothing else like it, especially when you’ve relied on England’s horrendous public transport every day, or have had to beg for lifts when the usually buses fail. It feels like something people take for granted, but I’m still amazed that I can literally hop in the car and go wherever I want, whenever I want.

I feel that a lot of people do actually take driving for granted, and see it as a right more than a privilege, which is a shame. I’m sure you know that when you’re a learner, you experience a lot of aggression from people who might be annoyed that you’re going as fast as the speed limit, or get frustrated if you stall the car, somehow forgetting that they were also a learner driver once.

Since passing, I’ve had a green P plate fixed to the back of the car which I’d like to think creates a bit of a bubble around me (it doesn’t); but in theory it serves as a warning to people that I’m still finding my feet with driving a car on my own without the observations of an instructor. However, it by no means curbs any aggression from people. Sometimes, it actually makes it worse, but getting a thicker skin while driving is something that I’m definitely working on each time I’m on the road.

Back to the excitement however, all that aside, by Sunday evening I will be the proud owner of a little A-B, runaround vehicle, my very own bright blue four wheels! I can’t wait, I can’t physically wait. Please do anticipate a myriad of photos when I have him (he’s called Marty)! Ah!

P.S. It’s not a DeLorean unfortunately…

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Life Experience

This 14th February, treat yo self

I always liked Valentine’s Day, the romance, the cutesy-ness, the flowers. Love is in the air, as they say at the end of Strictly Ballroom the Musical (my latest obsession).

And a few weeks ago the thought occurred to me that I’ll be single this Valentine’s Day for the first time in a few years. For about 0.5 seconds I felt sad, but then I remembered that the last few years haven’t been the most romantic experiences. In recent times I’ve bought my own flowers after being told I didn’t need any; a sweet aquarium trip meant for 2 turned into a busy group outing; and I’ve heard the actual words, “I’m going to let go of your hand before we go in so we don’t look like a couple.” That last one is my favourite.

If you’re single and think you’re going to be miserable around this Valentine’s period, take it as a day to treat yo self. Love yourself, and why not? Here are a few things that I think will guarantee a super time spent in your own company away from the faff of couples fighting for romantic restaurant tables:

  1. Clear at least an evening of any plans or work
  2. Line up a few of your favourite and most-loved films or TV shows
  3. Get in your favourite food, whether that’s something you love to cook, or ordering from the Chinese takeaway down the road
  4. Add some snacks to your shopping list – my favourites are cookies, shortbread, Magic Stars, Galaxy chocolate and Kettle Chips (maybe not all at once!)
  5. If you drink and, like me, love a good rose, get in some of your favourite alcohol that you wouldn’t normally have during the week

These are actually my plans for the day – absolute and pure relaxation. I might add in a facemask and new PJs somewhere…

This Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided that I’m going to get the most love ever, from me. I’m going to treat myself to some pretty daffodils and have a day where I can just be. Being single is definitely better than being unhappy, 100%.

You’re the best person that you know, so spend the 14th of February taking care of number 1, you deserve it!

Valentine’s Day isn’t just for the couples, it’s for singletons to self-love as well!tumblr_mgldye3mau1qeog6uo1_500

Life Experience, Uncategorized

Getting Back Up Again

I’ve been staring at this screen for a while. The last few weeks, I’ve loaded up WordPress with the intention of writing blog posts, but I always press the red cross. It’s not been worth it, writing. The truth of it is that for the last few months I have experienced the most horrific heartbreak I never thought possible for one human to feel. It meant that anything I wanted to write about was either depressingly miserable, or bitterly nasty. And what good would that do? That wouldn’t help anybody, especially myself and someone involved would likely call me out on it. I know that I’m not entitled to an opinion in this… oops.

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Sorry… ANYWAYS. I have taken now myself out of the situation. It was a very long time between the initial ‘incident’ and actually leaving the awful environment. It was actually only two months but it definitely felt like at least two years. If I had just one piece of advice for if  you are ever forced to live with your ex, it’s this: Don’t.

Just don’t do it. Get yourself out of that situation a.s.a.p. because it is bad for your mental and physical well being. (I have found actually that not many people are as unlucky as me to have to go through with this but it does happen.) I’ve felt like I’ve been going insane for the sad-girl-foot-in-water-black-and-whitelast few weeks, I’ve lost a lot of weight, had no appetite and have been sick and cried a lot. It has been horrendous. And the joke is, it could have been a lot, lot worse. But seeing your ex take up with you someone you live with really has to take the biscuit for things to break your heart. Painful doesn’t really cover it. Hurt doesn’t justify what I felt. Devastated does not even begin to describe the cavernous rip that tore through me…

But that’s not what this blog is about. This post is about the future and how things are starting to look up. I’ve started a Masters degree course at university, I’ve moved back in with my parents, I’m looking at starting driving lessons, I’m going to start swimming again, I’m making new friends, I’m meeting new people.

This blog is about however painful it is, and whatever heartbreak you’re going through whether that’s romantically or because of grief, work, trauma, anything, you will be okay. You are stronger than you think you are. Something I have come to realise is that you never know your true strength until that is all you have left. You might be collapsed on the floor, surrounded by tissues, your chest a gaping and bleeding raw wound. Your hair may be unwashed and you may not have eaten for 24 hours and you may be wearing the same pyjamas as you wore all day yesterday, but trust me when I say that things do get better. It will likely be one tiny step at a time, and the steps may be spread across weeks, but you will absolutely see an improvement in time. Nothing can hold you down so much that you can’t get back up again. Nothing.

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As for me, I’m nowhere near healed yet, and I don’t think I’ll be back to my old self for a long time, but now that I am away from that awful situation, the real work can begin. If you are suffering, all I can say is keep the faith, believe in yourself and go on Pinterest looking for inspirational quotes because you will realise than that you are not alone. Knowing that there are other people going through similar things is a weird kind of comfort when you’re hurting.

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You just have to believe in yourself.

Life Experience, Music

Golden – Ruth B

 

I can’t get enough of these lyrics right now, from the song ‘Golden’ by Ruth B. YouTube link at the bottom  ❤

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The fire used to burn, all the words used to hurt

But you’re not like us, you are different
I couldn’t see that that was a compliment
Cause the last thing I want now is to be you
And the flames don’t feel as hot as they used to

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze, I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking, damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden

You tried so hard to break me down
Like a fire-breathing dragon, but I guess I took your crown
You pushed for me to change for you
But I’m so glad that I stayed true to who I am

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Burn, burn, burn
They used to yell
You thought I was coal
My friend, I’m gold
Can’t you tell?

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking, damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am
All the things that you said I couldn’t do
Guess what, Yes I can

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am
All the things that you said I couldn’t do
Guess what, Yes I can

Cause I’m not weak, I’m not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I’m not done, I’m no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I’m no bronze I’m no silver
You’ll be thinking damn I knew her
But you didn’t
Don’t get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I, I am golden
I, I am golden, golden, gold
I, I am golden, golden, golden

Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 6

I have found beauty in time and feel like I have more, now that I’m not spending every possible second with you, craving your attention, dying for you to want to be with me. I was always ready for you, always available and because of that I wasted my moments.

Mindlessly wasting away in front of two television screens was not my idea of a happy ending, and I am glad that is over. I am glad I am free. I can do what I please, when I want to do it and it makes me really happy to think I don’t have to care about you anymore. I am caring only about me.

World

Behind the Scenes of Facebook

Daisy Ridley recently issued a warning on Instagram on the intensity of social media and the strive for perfection. It caught my eye on Facebook, through BBC Radio 1’s article and made me realise how intense social media can be.

golden_rules_of_being_engagedI’ve seen a flurry of engagements and babies, new cars and expensive shopping trips, as well as daily gym half-naked selfies and beautiful healthy meals plague my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram feed. I’m so happy that all my friends are doing well and getting on, achieving their life goals at this stage, but it’s easy to get bogged down in the idea that other people have a better life than you.

 

That’s categorically untrue.

There is immense pressure on young people in particular when they are surrounded by perfect bodies, perfect skin and incredible social lives, to be as good as everyone else. What we see on social media is a heavily edited snippet of others’ lives – something that people have scrutinised over for a considerable time before publishing.

It’s a similar story with my job; as a social media…person..I have to be very careful with what I post on the companies’ Twitter and Facebook pages, to ensure a succinct and coherent message. Posts have to be unique, interesting, positive and have to prove to an audience that the company is very successful and useful to their clients.

People do exactly the same thing with their own personal profiles. They want to convey a specific message – some people even go as far as having their own themes on Instagram, meaning the stream of photos that they can post is even more limited.

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This is not to say that people don’t address negative issues on social media; people can be quite vocal when something bad has happened to them, as they need their friends’ support. People are quick to assume, however, that because a person’s feed is entirely positive that nothing bad is going on behind the scenes. They may be going through a break-up, or they may be facing severe stress at work that they don’t want to publicise, or they may just being going through a rough patch.

Of course, such things aren’t uploaded to Facebook, but instead are kept private. What makes a person feel better is posting joyful things that make them feel happy, as a sort of distraction from what is going on in the real world.

Can we call Facebook a distraction? Is that all it is rather than a real representation of people’s lives? Whether it is or it isn’t, it’s certainly putting pressure on the people that use it, but it’s important to remember (whatever age you are) that Facebook and other mediums are simply highlights of someone’s life and you shouldn’t feel the need to compare your behind the scenes to their show reel.

 

 

Misc., Writing

What it’s like having many things to write…

It is wearing a ball gown while wading through the thickest waist-high mud for miles and miles

Needing to light a hundred feet tall candle with one little match and no ladder

A thousand bees inside a small, metal box with one coin-sized hole

Seeing the finish line before the starting gun goes off

Trying a particular lipstick and it changing into another shade by midday

Sticky notes that keep falling off the wall and disappearing between the floorboards

Your dad’s heavy denim jacket that you will never grow into

Turning the volume up as high as it will go and still straining to hear the music

Eating until you are full and still feeling like you are starving

Waiting for the knock on the door when you’re sitting in a meadow

It is reaching the other side of the bridge before you have set one foot on it to cross.

I always want to write, every minute of every day, and I always have ideas in my head. Ideas that might be big, and they might last for no longer than two seconds. They’re all still there, and they’re all very loud and blinding.

When they are small, it’s hard to justify the effort to put them onto paper.

And when they are big stories that are bouncing around in my head, that are so complicated, I would need to sit in silence for a week to even grasp them with both hands.

Sometimes there is no motivation to write anything, fictional or otherwise. Sometimes this site goes neglected and unloved for weeks at a time. And sometimes I can’t stop. Sometimes it’s unhealthy when I stay awake until the small hours, scribbling by lamplight.

All to often, the desire to write plagues me but my body refuses. Together, we make the decision not to pick up the pen and notebook. We can’t even use an app on the tablet. But the stories are there. The characters are screaming at me inside my head to let them out, but I can’t always release them.

I have never finished a project. Starting to write so young meant that my language was soft and poor. Looking at it now makes me cringe and I could never submit that anywhere, so it is added to the pile. I’m sure that pile is taller than me by now.

There is a colourful rush that comes with writing and a relief, as though eliminating a headache and making room in my head. I’ll never stop, no matter who comes along and degrades my work, because I write for me and no one else.

 

 

 

 

Life Experience

#happiness is here

Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at the world’s latest addition to the collective: Marketing Interns.

I’ve done it, I’ve finally done it! It’s been a hard roller coaster since I started applying for marketing positions back in the early months of 2015 and there have been a lot of sad and beaten down moments that I’ve gone through. I’ve had four big interviews in total and it turns out 4 is my lucky number!

I’ll get to be involved in all the company’s social media, blogging, video making – absolutely anything that I can throw my creativity at.

I’m so horrendously excited and so, so happy that I’m finally getting on with my career. I’ll be keeping my job at the clothes shop as a part timer – because I do actually like it there (even though I don’t want to be a sales assistant forever..) and I can’t wait to get started! I thought 2015 was turning out to be a bit of a bummer, but now this has come around, and Sam and I have also booked a trip to Iceland! How wonderfully exciting!!

Everything’s coming up Millhouse!

Life Experience

Summer time gladness

Yesterday I got my first glimmer of financial hope in a long time. I got paid! It was barely a week’s worth of pay because I’ve started my new job only just but I’m £75 less in debt than I was on Friday.

There you have it. I don’t feel like I’m gonna choke under a mounting pile of debt now and I might actually be able to treat myself to the odd Starbucks on the way home from work without feeling guilty. Life is looking up, things are getting better and now all I need to do is find myself a career that’s going to set me up for life.

Peace out x

Life Experience, Misc.

Five Ways to Relax After Work

I find it really difficult sometimes to return to myself after a hard, long day at work. The commute and the nature of the job automatically triggers higher than I would like stress levels and it got to the point where I was turning into a real bitch on an evening, which isn’t nice for anybody. Over the last couple of months, however, I have found a few ways of calming down and becoming me again when I get home, which is nice for everybody in the house, not only myself. I’ve managed to sort them into five nice succinct numbers and hopefully they’ll work for somebody out there in the blogging world.

1. Creative Colouring Books for Grown-Ups

61Wn3m9LdnL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_I bought one of these art therapy books,  and it’s actually working wonders. I didn’t expect it to that much, I jumped on the bandwagon and decided that because I’m a creative person I should probably have one of these on my shelf. There are so many out there and they’re getting really popular because they do work. Having a book with beautiful black and white patterns to peacefully colour in on an evening is bliss. You can get them from bookshops like Waterstones or WH Smith (I got mine from Amazon for about a fiver) and decent colouring pencils aren’t expensive – it costs barely anything to chill out and have a pretty masterpiece at the end of it. Highly recommended – it keeps me quiet which is a win-win for everyone.

2. Plan what you’re going to eat in advance

My life seems to revolve around food an awful lot – what’s for lunch, what’s for dinner, tell me now! – and I’ve found it really soothing to know what’s going in my belly after work. After all, it’s always nice to have something to look forward to and that thing is nomz. I really enjoy cooking and I’ve got a taste for cooking healthy meals from scratch recently. This keeps me busy but not too busy – you don’t wanna be the busy kinda stressed with cooking because that defeats the whole point. Get some tasty stuff in your fridge and have your mouth watering all day thinking about it.

3. Watch an old filmlarge_eE64N6PYCSRW2mtQucfK2av5Wk2

It’s no secret that I love films. They’re the bees knees and there’s nothing that I love more than curling up in front of a movie with a glass of orange juice (wine). It’s always great, though, to watch films that you have seen before. Films that you know you love, that are just great at what they do – entertaining. Have a dig through your DVD collection or hit up Netflix, find something you haven’t watched in years and stick it on. If you have the luxury, shove some popcorn in the microwave and you’re away.

4. Have a shower as soon as you enter the house

If you don’t share a house with 5 people like I do and can use the bathroom whenever you feel like it, it’s a great idea to drop your bags, throw off your coat and head straight for the shower. Make it hot, make it steamy and when you come out, work will have been washed off you and you’ll be ready to relax. I always love feeling all snuggly and fluffy in my PJs as well and omg if you have fresh bedding waiting for you, it’s a blessing. Yeah I get a little excited… I figure this is what it’s like to be an adult…

5. Do some writing

Power of WordsDoesn’t matter if it’s fictional, a diary, random words or a monologue, just write. Get that pen to paper and put your mind on the page. Just don’t do anything school or uni related – it’s gotta be your own brain. Your own thoughts, what matters to you. It really, really, like really helps me to write – shocker, I have a blog – because I sometimes feel like my head is going to explode from everything going on inside it. And if those things are work related, it’s as though I’m taking those stresses away and giving them to the paper. Because those things are written down you don’t forget them either – so your brain is worry free and your memory can rest easy, knowing that you’ve got it covered. Be chill.

Only you can really make yourself happy and I had to discover this on my own, after pissing everybody else off. Took me a while to realise that it was me being too crabby after work but – I think – it’s all fixed now… Seriously get one of those colouring books though..