Life Experience, Writing

Only Me: Part 3

We had hit a routine.

We did the same thing every day for the last year, I think.

You are not adventurous, but I am. I long to see new things, to learn more about the world, but you find it comforting to know that in this day and age you have no need to go outside.

You don’t care for the world like I do and that is why I am so glad you left and gave me back my life and

My dreams.

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Education, Entertainment, Film, University

Never Stop Dreaming

If working in school has taught me one thing so far, it’s that I don’t want to be a teacher.

Bear with me.

Yet.

Working with kids here has made me realise that I’m not ready to teach yet, I’m not ready to pass on the knowledge that I have to the next generation. I’m 22 and I still want to learn myself. I feel like I should be the one sitting behind a desk, absorbing what somebody says and either agreeing or challenging it. I’m still selfish. I still want to progress my knowledge, not somebody else’s. I still want to learn about the world (of film) and find out everything that I can. I want to come out of education with more than just a degree.

Now, before you bite my head off some people are ready to teach by the time they pop out of uni. They’re raring to go, to enhance the teenagers and children of today. But not me. Yet, anyway. I don’t know. I’ll be honest here, because what is a blog without honesty? I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know if I want to be a teacher, or a filmmaker, or a writer, or in marketing or what. I just don’t know. I do know that I want to lead my learning even further and broaden my options even more because my plan, as it currently stands, is to try as much as possible and take every opportunity that I can.

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Woah there. What a turn this has taken. Here I am, in the midst of writing about what I want to do with my education and I have literally just received an email telling me that the course is being cancelled….um awkward…

Now what? That was going to be my one reason for staying in York, for progressing my knowledge and love for film. And it’s just been halted right within a few seconds. If that wasn’t a punch to the gut then I don’t know what is. Talk about being at a loss for what to do now…

I’ve run out of steam. I’m deflated. I suppose I’ll sign off now and find another way to resolve my career crisis. Um, yeah……

Maybe you should update your website or something so people don’t get their hopes up…

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Life Experience, University, World

Specific Time Travelling

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So I had a dream – this is how all good blog posts start don’tcha know – I had a dream that I’d travelled back in time by two and a half years. Pretty precise, right? I found myself at the start of first year again, waking up on my plastic mattress at Limes Court, my old uni halls. Wut. I had all the memories of what’s gone on for the past two and a bit years and here I was again living my first year life. At first I was like ‘Mate, this is so cool, I can do everything again and make the right decisions this time AND I get a longer uni experience!’. But then I realised that maybe this wasn’t such a great thing…I have worked so hard over the past couple of years in terms of assignments, films and relationships and I clicked that all that had basically been undone. Not to mention that I am no longer on speaking terms with my first year housemates and I would have to associate with them again. I wouldn’t have the friends that I have now and I would have to wait until they got to know me again. At this point, I’d never even met my boyfriend and I could just imagine finding him and scarring him for life by telling him I was his future S.O. I just wanted to get back to third year because I didn’t want to slog through all that effort and fallouts and arguments again, it’s too much for one person! I realised I’ve had a pretty rough ride at uni but it has improved significantly in the past year and I would hate to lose it by travelling through time. Like that’s a legitimate thing to worry about, come on, I dreamt it at least.

I’ve just decided that even though there were super low moments in first year and a bit in second year, I wouldn’t change a thing. What has happened over the past couple of years has got me to where I am today and, honestly, I couldn’t be happier. There are a couple of things that I would change, like I miss my Grandad beyond belief and I don’t think I will ever comprehend losing him. And I would also start my assignments a little earlier than I seem to have the habit of doing. But the past isn’t to be changed. What’s done is done, am I right? And for the minute, I’m just looking forward to an exciting future because I am now no longer clueless about what I want to do with my life. Bring it on, future, I’m ready for ya 😉

Life Experience, University

“Dreams Don’t Turn to Dust”

Okay, you got me. So the Owl City song Dreams Don’t Turn to Dust has no relevance to what I’m about to write, but my figuring is that it has the word ‘dreams’ in it, giving you an overall impression of what I’m gonna talk about tonight. Wow. It makes me wonder how people can stand me at times.

Anyhow, I had this weirdly vivid dream last night about me and a friend. Now, I’m sure that most adults have had a dream or two about getting intimate with a friend and, to be honest, I found it pretty scary. I mean, consciously I feel nothing for this guy other than the fact that he’s one of my good friends and, yes, I do like him but not in that way. I have already told this to my other friend and she’s resolved it for me, so apologies to her if she’s reading this thinking I didn’t believe her, because I did. However, that’s beside the point. My argument is that now I feel all awkward around him like he knows what this dream was about, or that he can just read it off my face – which he probably can because I have the worst poker face on the planet, if I even have one at all. Alright, I know I’m being irrational and this is probably one of the most pointless posts I’ve written, but when ya gotta spill what’s in your head, you just gotta let it out. Of course, I’m not going to mention any names and God forbid if he actually reads this – which I doubt because my readers are pretty minimal at this stage, right?

So yeah, awkward conversations (on my part), awkward eye contact (again, on my part) and awkward, awkward, awkward images now in my head, pray to God, not also in his.