Life Experience, Uncategorized

Getting Back Up Again

I’ve been staring at this screen for a while. The last few weeks, I’ve loaded up WordPress with the intention of writing blog posts, but I always press the red cross. It’s not been worth it, writing. The truth of it is that for the last few months I have experienced the most horrific heartbreak I never thought possible for one human to feel. It meant that anything I wanted to write about was either depressingly miserable, or bitterly nasty. And what good would that do? That wouldn’t help anybody, especially myself and someone involved would likely call me out on it. I know that I’m not entitled to an opinion in this… oops.

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Sorry… ANYWAYS. I have taken now myself out of the situation. It was a very long time between the initial ‘incident’ and actually leaving the awful environment. It was actually only two months but it definitely felt like at least two years. If I had just one piece of advice for if  you are ever forced to live with your ex, it’s this: Don’t.

Just don’t do it. Get yourself out of that situation a.s.a.p. because it is bad for your mental and physical well being. (I have found actually that not many people are as unlucky as me to have to go through with this but it does happen.) I’ve felt like I’ve been going insane for the sad-girl-foot-in-water-black-and-whitelast few weeks, I’ve lost a lot of weight, had no appetite and have been sick and cried a lot. It has been horrendous. And the joke is, it could have been a lot, lot worse. But seeing your ex take up with you someone you live with really has to take the biscuit for things to break your heart. Painful doesn’t really cover it. Hurt doesn’t justify what I felt. Devastated does not even begin to describe the cavernous rip that tore through me…

But that’s not what this blog is about. This post is about the future and how things are starting to look up. I’ve started a Masters degree course at university, I’ve moved back in with my parents, I’m looking at starting driving lessons, I’m going to start swimming again, I’m making new friends, I’m meeting new people.

This blog is about however painful it is, and whatever heartbreak you’re going through whether that’s romantically or because of grief, work, trauma, anything, you will be okay. You are stronger than you think you are. Something I have come to realise is that you never know your true strength until that is all you have left. You might be collapsed on the floor, surrounded by tissues, your chest a gaping and bleeding raw wound. Your hair may be unwashed and you may not have eaten for 24 hours and you may be wearing the same pyjamas as you wore all day yesterday, but trust me when I say that things do get better. It will likely be one tiny step at a time, and the steps may be spread across weeks, but you will absolutely see an improvement in time. Nothing can hold you down so much that you can’t get back up again. Nothing.

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As for me, I’m nowhere near healed yet, and I don’t think I’ll be back to my old self for a long time, but now that I am away from that awful situation, the real work can begin. If you are suffering, all I can say is keep the faith, believe in yourself and go on Pinterest looking for inspirational quotes because you will realise than that you are not alone. Knowing that there are other people going through similar things is a weird kind of comfort when you’re hurting.

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You just have to believe in yourself.

Life Experience

Dive into the Eye of the Storm

A lot of what goes through a person when they experience pain or heartache is torture. We’ve all been there, we’ve all grieved for someone we love, we’ve all been hurt, it’s what makes us human.

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last few weeks, and I’ve had a lot of time to myself to consider what direction I’m going in, and where I’ve been. I’ve been stuck, really. But I think a large part of being hurt is experiencing time standing still and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. You need time to contemplate and to heal, there’s no other way of repairing the damage.

What I’m trying to say, and what I’ve figured out, is that you have to weather the storm. You have to go through the darkness to reach the light. You have to listen to the tear-jerking break up songs and you have to go through the emotional moments. You just have to, otherwise you don’t get fixed. A lot of the time it is up to you and you alone to pick yourself up and dust yourself down. You may have a loving and strong support network, but there is only so much that your mum can do for your over the phone. Your friends and family can listen to you and love you, but ultimately it is down to you to get better.

It’s hard, I’m not saying it isn’t and I’m not even at the end of my journey yet. But I know that the next few weeks, or whatever will just make me a better person. I know it’s going to hurt, but I’m not prepared to hide from everything and bubble-wrap myself. I’m going to walk right into the eye of the storm and I’m going to come out of the other side a better person.

I should really blog more often…

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Life Experience

Me Again

I haven’t felt like blogging recently; I’ve not had much to say. It’s no secret that I’ve been going through a rough patch (anyone would get that from the melancholy posts that have cluttered my blog). But it is just a patch, just a temporary blip in 2016.

Last week I was on holiday with my parents and my sister, for one last family trip to Jersey (for now). It was a week filled with wall-to-wall sunshine, cake, sea and laughter. I haven’t felt so care-free and stress-free for a few months and the whole week did me a world of good. I’ll follow up when I’ve sifted through the many many photos with a post about sunburn, freckles and castles.

And in other good news, I’ve officially accepted a place onto an MA course at the University of Leeds to study Writing for Performance and Publication which is just SO EXCITING. That starts at the end of September, after another little holiday to Majorca with my best friend.

So yes, the last few months have been hard going, and the rough ride hasn’t ended yet, but I’m making the most of my new found freedom and keeping myself busy and happy, making more delightful memories for 2016 than sad ones.

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Life Experience

Two Choices

It’s no secret that life throws plenty of opportunities at you to be sad, miserable and down. ‘Oh woe is me, why is the world against me, what did I ever do to deserve this?’ The truth is, you probably did nothing to deserve the hardship and the pitfalls that are dealt to you and at times it can feel like it’s just you against the world.

When something goes wrong you have two options, just two. You can turn away from everything that has happened and hide, you can pretend amongst the tears and the panic attacks that everything is actually okay and that if you protect yourself with cotton wool, you will be fine. You can run away from the trauma, guard yourself and build high walls to make sure you won’t get hurt again.

Or you can confront the pain head-on. You can stare it in its beady black eye and understand it, why it’s come for you specifically. It might not reveal any of its reasons or let you in on its secrets, but by facing it you can be damned sure that you can push past it and move forward.

It’s easy to hide and it’s easy to shut down, to close yourself off from the world around you. It’s most definitely a surefire way of protecting yourself, we all know that. But ultimately, it’s also the death of you. You can’t grow as an individual without taking on challenges willingly or otherwise, and you will never learn more about who you are by turning your back and running away.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be sad and upset, because when you bottle your real emotions – men and women – it makes everything 100x worse. But there should always come a natural point where you decide what to do next, and that’s the crucial moment. Do you blanket yourself and try to smooth over the cracks that have appeared? Or do you stand up with your head high, borrow some glue from someone who supports you and take a leap of faith?

Well I took the glue, and I would choose to take a leap of faith every time. You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, nobody does, and it’s really scary to throw yourself into the unknown alone like that. But me, I wouldn’t do it any differently. I didn’t hide and here I am, Brittany v2.0, and I will continue to not hide every time a difficult challenge comes along. I want to confront life and take control of what happens to me and of how I feel, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do from now on.

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Film, Review

Review: Deadpool

deadpool-poster-8I have never been a fan or an advocate of superhero films; the Marvel and DC universes have just never pulled me in like they have millions of other cinema-goers. Actually, I can count on one hand which superhero films I appreciate every now and then: Batman: The Dark Knight, Guardians of the Galaxy, Kickass and Deadpool = 4  / 1,000+

I was skeptical at first because it’s another film flung onto the pile of generic masculine movies about characters with extraordinary powers. I would be guaranteed…… [Click here to read more]

Film and the Female

[FandFBlog] Women Come in Many Forms

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10 Cloverfield Lane (2016) comes 8 years after its predecessor, Cloverfield (2008), a film about a monster the size of a skyscraper tearing up New York City, shot from the angle of hand-held video cameras, referred to as found footage. The highly-anticipated sequel is very different to the first film, taking strides in the suspense-thriller category, and then suddenly turning on its head, becoming a monster-horror within the space of about 5 minutes.

Our protagonist and ultimate feminist hero is Michelle, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Scott Pilgrim vs the World, Smashed), a woman who wakes up in a concrete shelter after being involved in a violent car crash. She is held in the shelter by ex-Marine and possible murderer, Howard (John Goodman) alongside down-to-earth Emmett (John Gallagher Jr.). She is told that everyone above ground has been wiped out by a deadly chemical attack and that they are likely the only people remaining alive – a concept that she (and we as an audience) struggle to believe.

Michelle’s position in the shelter would easily allow her to become a……..[click here to read more!]

Viking Princess

‘Butt’marks – Viking Princess

We all love cats. In fact we all love animals in general. I’ve spent a lot of time on Pinterest the last few weeks looking for inspiration and the internet is certainly not short of it.

I’d seen a couple of designs of bookmarks that make it look like a kitty is trapped between the pages of the book, so I thought I would have a go… [Read more]

Film, Film and the Female, Review

[FandFBlog] What Makes Interstellar So Great?

[Adapted from my post on Her Story Arc]

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Interstellar (2014) is one of those films that doesn’t suggest in the trailers that it’s going to be as complicated as it is. I still don’t understand what happened or how it all worked, but that’s usually a given with Christopher Nolan films – I’ve watched Inception (2010) many times but still don’t really get that.

In Interstellar, the possibly not too distant future Earth is becoming more and more uninhabitable due to crop losses and huge dust storms. Professor Brand (Michael Caine), a NASA physicist, sends ex-NASA pilot Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) and a highly intelligent team of researches through a wormhole across the galaxy to investigate three planets, to determine whether humans can inhabit any of them.

Click here to read more!

Life Experience

Acupuncture Me

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You may remember from a while back (and I do mean a while) that I was diagnosed with sesamoiditis which is the posh word for stupid annoying painful foot. After two whole steroid injections and the threat of developing arthritis if I had another one, I looked to other cures.

And the short answer is: there are none. This little bone in my foot is going to be cracked forever and the only thing to stop it will be to literally take it away from me. Now this, I Mr-Spock-mr-spock-10874060-1036-730have been warned, is a procedure done a maximum of once a year and there is the impending danger of it turning into what doctors lovingly call a Spock foot, ergo not an option.

So I started looking into preventative measures to try to manage the pain, rather than looking to get rid of it altogether. It was then that I found acupuncture, something I had never even thought of as a remedy (I had always seen it as a luxury treatment, like a massage). Turns out, acupuncture can do a lot for the human body *cue groan from scientists* and can actually help a lot of conditions.

I’ve been going to sessions for a good few weeks now, probably going on for 20, and there has been the most dramatic improvement to the pain in my foot and how I walk. I’m no longer limping, which is fantastic until your right foot realises it has to share the load and then starts having a paddy. But that’s neither here nor there because my left foot is really, really fine. Who knew?!  It’s felt like a magical experience and I can’t quite believe that the stupid bone in my foot is now being calmed down, thanks to crazy thin needles.

I’ve had a few people tell me that it’s hocus pocus and it’s all bullshit, but hey, I’m not limping anymore so… 1-0 to acupuncture.

I’m still going to sessions, because it would be crazy to stop and botch up the wonderful work that Rachel (hi!) has been doing for me. And even though it hurts when the needles go in the bottom of my foot, I still enjoy going because it allows me 20 minutes out of the week to just relax and to just be. It’s incredible what such a short amount of time can do for your well-being.

If you have a condition of sorts, whether it’s anxiety, headaches, rough periods or anything, I would say seriously look into acupuncture as a treatment because you might find it’s entirely worth it.

Also, hi Tom 🙂
Life Experience

“I can’t go out, I’m sick.”

Dedicated to Michael Cornell

When you’re ill and all you want to do is drown in blankets and hot chocolate, and just kim-possible-sickbeing asked ‘are you okay’ makes hot tears seep down your cheeks. Not because of sadness, you just have too much liquid in your face.

Lemsip and tea are the only real medicines that work and sneezing just becomes a fact of life, eventually following a schedule.

How many tissues are in the bin? Or are they actually all inside my brain?

Who decided that breathing is not as important as it used to be? Because I quite enjoyed that when it worked properly.

I’m losing energy like it’s going out of fashion and my eyes feel like tennis balls.

When you’re ill and you can’t even finish a blog post well so you give up and try to find some health from somewhere.